A letter to Lars Ulrich

Hi Lars, this is Zack from LA, writing with great anticipation about your new album.

As a semi-frontman of Metallica, you have created a whole generation (with the help of other metal acts including Anthrax and Slayer) of metalheadz who, now that metal has become popular and belged into the mainstream, are the most visible part of youth today. And when all hope was lost, you stuck by your friends, and decided to teach the whole world that with friendship and therapy, you can create such great albums as “St. Anger” and “Death Magnetic”. And “Some Kind of Monster” was a great hit. Man, you’re succesfull.

But you know, man, somebody has to tell this to you. You suck as a drummer. Oh my god you suck. I have a band, and our drummer has played only three years. He is still much better than you after 25 years. Your pathetic “power-beat” is boring and repetetive (everything becomes repetetive after nine albums). And the worst part is, you’re not even precise. You suck even worse live.

Fuck, how could you even become a part of Metallica in the first place? Every other player in the band has shown growth in skills and in preciseness, while you have degraded into a pile of once-eaten-and-since-vomited shit. I know you have millions and don’t have to care, but COME ON, My Apocalypse is pathetic. Okay okay, it’s pathetic as a whole too, but your drumming makes it like a hundred times worse. I HATE YOU.

You should have died in the bus accident, not your most inspirative player. Learn or burn.

Fucker.

-Zack Snyder

~ by zacksnyder on September 1, 2008.